Another day…
another prophet.
Except, this prophet (HOSEA) was known for his insane (and incredibly humorous) insults.
LET’S DO THE BASICS SO WE CAN READ THE INSULTS!
- Hosea was a big “mercy” guy.
Pretty much everything he preached was about God’s mercy, whether you’re an idiot or wiser than Solomon. Remember the time, with lots of potential conquering going on, lots of bad kings, lots of just awful behavior. Hosea was a big “mercy” guy because of this.
Timing wise, Hosea lived somewhere between 753 BC and 687 BC. If you’re curious how scholars are able to figure out timing, they base it all on what kings they served in the Northern and Southern Kingdoms. In Hosea’s case, he lived during the reign of Judean kings: Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz and Hezekiah.
Quick FAQ with the Rev. Dr.: If you read the last Back to Basics on Daniel, you may remember that he lived around 605 BC. And yet…here we are, in the next book of the Bible, BACKTRACKING?
Here’s the deal with the Bible: a lot of the Old Testament is out of order. The old wise white men who put the Bible together decided on this order as well, even if it was weird.
It should be noted that the Jewish communities put Hosea directly after Ezekiel, and Daniel is in a completely different section of their book (they have three separate sections: the Torah, the Prophets, and the Scriptures; Daniel is in the Scriptures). For us, it goes Ezekiel, Daniel and then Hosea all in one book.
Try not to get confused. If you feel confused, buy a Bible that goes in chronological order. Otherwise, don’t worry too much about the dates.
What matters is the content.
- Hosea was also a fan of Back to Basics with the Rev. Dr.!
No, but he was a big fan of getting back to the basics, i.e. reading Genesis through Deuteronomy.
He constantly referred to the foundational books so that Israel would remember when they obeyed God…and how great life was in (in comparison).
- Read in two sections.
“I’m Hosea and Welcome to MTV Cribs” (1-3)
He introduces his family and some of the family drama.
“Some of you will die…but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” - Lord Farquaad from Shrek (4-14)
In the last (and longest) part, Hosea gives many accusations, warnings and promises all wrapped up in a relatively rough-to-read parable.
- And, finally, the best part…THE INSULTS!
Here I list all the different ways Hosea calls the Israelites an idiot, in no particular order:
a promiscuous wife (I worded this very nicely compared to how Hosea says it)
someone about to die from thirst, i.e. “You thirsty!”
“Mama can’t feed the baby because she only has powdered milk.” (I wish I was kidding on that one.)
an indifferent mother
an illegitimate child
an ungrateful son
a well-trained cow
“You sit on a throne of lies!” (you have eaten the fruit of your lies…my version is better)
you’ve been indicted and are probably going to prison
“You ain’t rich! You broke!”
a stubborn heifer
a silly dove
a luxuriant vine (apparently NOT a compliment)
grapes in the wilderness (also apparently NOT a compliment)
an empty sea with no fishes
knowledge rejecters
sin-feeders
you have alien children (yes…alien children. English translation, but humorous nonetheless)
murderers who commit villainy
a heated oven that a baker won’t use
a half-baked cake (my personal favorite)
“Your sacrificed meat sucks and God isn’t going to eat it”
hate to be this guy, but the name of “whore” is mentioned at least 10 times, so….I guess I have to list it
a bird unable to get pregnant (oddly specific in my opinion)
honorable mention of a yo’ mama joke directly from God: “I will destroy your mother”
Not so bad, right? If anything, read through Hosea and underline all the insults. It’s a great icebreaker for your next small group at church…or first date.
Go read with confidence. Thanks for being here.
