If Judges was about “judges,” then we can assume that 1 and 2 Kings are about….?
Kings! Kings is right! Good job!
I know what you are now wondering.
“Who cares?”
Listen, I’m not going to lie to you. That is a fair question. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I, also, didn’t care at one point. I’d argue that sometimes I still don’t care. However, these books matter and let me explain why in simplistic sense:
Meet Leslie. She falls in love with Ben. They get married. Then, what comes after marriage? Ah, yes. The baby carriage. Leslie and Ben have kids. As the kids grow up (let’s assume they have a boy and a girl), they start to misbehave, as children do. Instead of Leslie and Ben using a bit of corporal punishment or yelling, they decide to instead leave the two kids to fend for themselves, mostly out of annoyance from the kids not listening to them. Amazingly, no one in this situation calls CPS, therefore, the kids can either choose option a) figure out what they did wrong, or, choose option b) dive off the deep end and do drugs. Without any neighbors checking in on them, or really any supervision whatsoever, one kid will inevitably choose option a and the other may choose option b. However, if they had supervision, both kids may choose option a without a second glance because they have help understanding what is going on.
Get what I’m throwing down?
The Judges tried their best given the situation, but it didn’t work. So, the kings were the next best option. Israel had Saul and David, but nothing really changed in their hearts.
That is why more kings were needed. They were put in place to help the people with life, but also help the people understand who God was (and is).
Both books, 1 Kings and 2 Kings (if you haven’t caught on), are exclusively about the period of time where kings were a big deal in Israel. Think of 1 and 2 Samuel as giving you one of those sample spoons at an ice cream place (i.e. giving you a sample of Saul and David, one bad king, and one good king) so you can decide if you like it, whereas Kings is buying a full scoop of ice cream (and probably cookie dough flavored).
Now, if you read the last Substack (about 1 and 2 Samuel), you’ll remember where I told you to read it like a novel because it’s one big story. Kind of a pain, but it is what it is.
Well, you're in luck if you hated that because 1 and 2 Kings can be separated into parts! Yahoooooooooooo!
Let’s get into it:
1 Kings
LISTEN UP, Y’ALL: there are two major parts to this bad boy.
The Rise and Fall of Solomon (1 Kings 1-11)
David had a son, Solomon, who is now king. You may recognize the name from his famous book Proverbs or, you may unfortunately recognize him from his equally as famous and uncomfortable book Songs of Solomon. More on that later. The big deal with Solomon is that God instructed him, and only him, to build a temple. David wanted to, but God said “nope, I’m good” and chose Solomon.
Solomon was a good dude (if you can look past him having a billion wives), but it all kind of went to crap as one can assume it would from having a billion wives. Never a good idea. Too much estrogen. Not enough oxygen.
He loved God and followed His commandments, but suddenly, OUT OF NOWHERE, Solomon literally flipped God off and all hell broke loose. Was it the fault of the wives? Kind of. This is an instance where I think a billion divorces would have been incredibly beneficial, but I digress.
“Sitting on a park bench contemplating the unification of the two Koreas.” - Lane Kim, Gilmore Girls. (1 Kings 12-22)
If you don’t watch Gilmore Girls, sorry, but you should. This quote is the only one that really honestly makes sense with this section.
The rest of 1 Kings makes you contemplate everything. Here’s what happened: Solomon suddenly sucked at life, made really bad decisions, and those decisions were so bad that Israel split into two. Yes, the nation split in HALF. Part of Israel literally seceded from the union. It was bad, y’all.
Let me just paraphrase a little real quick so you have an idea what the rest is about. A dude named Jeroboam leads people out of the Northern Kingdom (Israel) and leads them into the Southern Kingdom (Judea) away from Rehoboam’s (Solomon’s son) reign of terror.
Here’s the deal though… Jeroboam leads the people out of Israel Moses-style. He is compared to Moses. It’s cool. Everyone loves it. They eat it up. Life comes full circle. He literally leads the people out of slavery…but (and of course there is a but here) he makes golden calves for his people to worship, turning himself from a Moses figure to an Aaron figure, QUITE LITERALLY REPEATING THE EVENTS OF EXODUS.
I am not even kidding. I wish I was kidding. That pretty much summarizes the rest of the book. It goes like “oh that’s nice….oh that’s bad….oh okay they’re figuring it out….nope just kidding….wait, maybe they’re okay….nope, the dumpster is most definitely on fire.”
Quick Recap from the Rev. Dr.: The Northern Kingdom was “Israel” and ran by Solomon’s son. The Southern Kingdom was “Judea” and ran by Solomon’s arch nemesis’ son. They both have dumb names that are practically the same. Maybe that’s why Solomon hated Jeroboam’s dad. A classic case of “you stole my ideas!” I don’t know. They didn’t have access to baby name books, so we will blame that for these atrocious names. Trust me, they just get worse.
2 Kings
I hate to break it to you, but there is no easy way of reading 2 Kings. The entire book details three major things:
The Kings of Israel and their impending doom
The Kings of Judea and their impending doom
The Impending Doom Happening (2 Kings 17 and 2 Kings 25)
For ease of understanding, let me break it down a little further.
Each King, of both Israel and Judea, got worse and worse as time went on. Because the kings sucked REAL bad, both kingdoms came to screeching halt and fell apart. Israel was captured and enslaved by Assyria, and Judea was captured and enslaved by Babylon.
This is the important part: 2 Kings is essentially a massive summary of a good chunk of the history that happens in the rest of the Old Testament. Reading 2 Kings is important so you have an idea of what the “frick” is happening. For instance, the book of Jonah takes place 30ish years before Israel falls apart (which happens in 2 Kings 17). The book of Jeremiah happens sometime shortly before the fall of Judea (which happens in 2 Kings 25).
Now, would I not be a noble Reverend Doctor if I didn’t break it down further?
Below is a list of EVERY KING and how TRULY AWFUL they were, rated as great, good or bad. No in between. Please note there is nothing better than “great” and there is nothing worse than “bad.”
I wouldn’t be me if we didn’t also rate their names, so here we go:
THE KINGS OF ISRAEL, I.E. THE NORTHERN KINGDOM
Jeroboam as a King? BAD. As a name? Sounds like an eczema ointment.
Nadab: King? BAD. Name? A dance move from 2017.
Baasha: King? BAD. Name? 5/10. No explanation.
Elah: King? BAD. Name? No rating. Kind of normal comparatively.
Zimri: King? BAD. Name? Definitely a villain in Stargate SG-1.
Tobni: King? BAD. Name? Last name is definitely Macguire and he will definitely be featured in the SpiderMan multiverse.
Omri: King? BAD. Name? Isn’t this a vegetable?
Ahab: King? BAD. Name? Wasn’t he on a boat??
Ahaziah: King? BAD. Name? I definitely know people who named their kids this, so no comment.
Joram: King? BAD. Name? Goes with tea and toast.
Jehu: King? BAD. Name? ….Je-who?
Jehoahaz: King? BAD. Name? Say it three times fast and get back to me.
Jehoash: King? BAD. Name? Kind of sounds like Mike Tyson trying to tell you he’s a Jehovah’s Witness now.
Jeroboam II: King? BAD. Name? Ointment 2.0.
Zechariah: King? BAD. Name? Normal comparatively.
Shallum: King? BAD. Name? Different than “shalom” so don’t get confused.
Menhem: King? BAD. Name? Are you coughing up phlegm?
Pekahiah: King? BAD. Name? Pikachu….does karate.
Pekah: King? BAD. Name? Is this is a dip?
Hoshea: King? BAD. Name? Put on dry elbows.
THE KINGS OF JUDEA, I.E. THE SOUTHERN KINGDOM
Rehoboam: King? BAD. Name? Eh.
Abijah: King? BAD. Name? Wasn’t this the name of that toothless hobo from Aladdin?
Asa: King? GOOD. Name? Normal.
Jehoshaphat: King? GOOD. Name? Where do I start?????????????
Jehoram: King? BAD. Name? Isn’t this a spice?
Ahaziah: King? BAD. Name? Normal.
Athaliah: King? BAD. Name? Sounds kind of feminine. I bet he got made fun of.
Joash: King? GREAT, kinda. Name? Sounds like the parents couldn’t decide between Joe and Josh.
Amaziah: King? GREAT, kinda. Name? Free two-day shipping.
Azariah: King? GOOD. Name? Normal.
Jotham: King? GOOD. Name? Batman was his personal bodyguard.
Ahaz: King? BAD. Name? *shrug*
Hezekiah: King? GREAT. Name? Could be worse.
Manasseh: King? GREAT, kinda. Name? Sounds like that kid from RV telling Robin Williams “man, that sure is a nice one” while he is in campground bathroom, but the kid is talking about his laptop and it’s 10/10 humorous.
Amon: King? GREAT, kinda. Name? All I can see in my head is the cinnamon stick from those Apple Jacks commercials.
Josiah: King? GREAT. Name? Normal, phew.
Johoahaz: King? BAD. Name? Anything I’d say would be inappropriate, so no comment.
Jehoiakim: King? BAD. Name? One of the first names ending with “kim” which is interesting.
Jehoiachin: King? BAD. Name? I wonder if he was self conscious about his chin?
Zedekiah: King? BAD. Name? Kind of normal.
If you don’t want to read 2 Kings, I feel like this list is comprehensive enough that you won’t feel totally lost when you read the rest of the Old Testament. So….you’re welcome.
There you have it: 1 and 2 Kings. Could have been worse, don’t you think?
Go read with confidence. Thanks for being here.
